typing as fast as i can — no time for the shift key —
1. my nickname in elementary school was witchie-poo.
2. i’ve run 3 marathons; during my 2nd on the streets of L.A., two native americans blew past me barefoot at the 13th mile, their long black hair blowing in the wind. they were beautiful.
3. my father is a physician at a state hospital for the criminally insane.
4. i performed magic shows at kids’ birthday parties as a teenager and dreamt of being the next doug henning, complete with his ’70s rainbow outfit.
5. three of the women i dated now prefer women.
6. a shaman once told me that she saw a knife sticking out of my back where i was stabbed in a previous life.
7. i have a 2nd degree black belt in uechi-ryu okinawan karate (we have crane moves, just like mr. miyagi!) and i broke two of my ribs fighting in full-contact, bare-knuckle bouts.
8. i’m a conspiracy theory addict. when i’m president, my first trip will be to area 51.
9. part of my family is from vik, a settlement in southwestern norway where some viking clans originated, and i have a DNA marker indicating viking ancestry.
10. i’m addicted to coffee.
11. i have a fetish for found action figures that have been marred or damaged, are missing limbs, etc.
12. i was a computer hacker as a teen, and almost got busted by a federal agency. several hacker friends landed up in jail.
13. i’ve had two full conscious out-of-body experiences while awake and sober.
14. i’d love to live in a barn.
15. i got my start as a performance artist in L.A. in the early ’90s, and once almost electrocuted myself with butter and 2 AC electrodes.
16. my brother and i used to dress up like batman and robin, make gasoline bombs out of coke cans, and throw razor-sharp ninja stars in our fresno backyard. we also had the hots at daycare for identical blonde sisters we called “the butter twins.”
17. i took french lessons weekly as an adult for 4 years and my accent still sucks.
18. i’ve seen the movie ishtar more times than any other movie. and elaine may is a genius.
19. once while walking around in my motorcycle armor at san francisco’s union street fair, i accidentally bumped then-SF-mayor gavin newsom with my padded shoulder. he stumbled back 3 feet, and his wife jennifer siebel laughed.
20. i like listening to crunchy/cut-up electronica or anything audio that sounds homemade. give me aphex twin, blevin blectum, matmos….
21. i’ve seen every episode of the dukes of hazzard, the greatest american hero, and twin peaks.
22. if i had to watch the film or TV work of only one director for the rest of my days, i’d probably choose david lynch.
23. i’m a bibliophile. i have more books by bukowski than by any other author. next in line would be joyce and faulkner.
24. my granny hacked the heads off of chickens with a hatchet on her farm in nebraska.
25. i wasn’t a vegetarian. then i was. and now i’m not.
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:38 am
oh, definitely tiny baby toe nipples.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:32 am
I’m a gay man who just spanked it to your baby wanna be style. It would’ve been more exciting to see your nips. take off them blue stars. i like that name: “pony boy” these other fellas gave to your viking arianship. i’m your black gay stud riding my blonde viking, golden pony boy. actually, keep the blue stars. sometimes imagination is the best thing. do you have dish saucer nipples or tiny baby toe nipples with the blind man’s braille. sometimes when I’m in a kinky mood i love to see white men’s bitch titties with saucer nipples. and if its warm the saucer’s get bigger and the braille abates. thats sexy too. it’s all sexy. you white boys are so sexy. now that last line i stole from ‘Hair’.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:19 am
one of the first themes/concepts you learn as a freshman in college is the idea that the correlation of two variables does not mean one caused the other. this statement has been inculcated, and is still being inculcated in many humanity, economics, and statistic 101 college classes throughout the nation.
However, when I see list number 18 (Ishtar the biggest movie flop of the 1980′s and possibly the 1900′s) and then listing number 23 (sir bukowski); I have to say that the liking of that movie and that author means you are fucking crazy. No the movie and the author do not cause craziness. No: the fact that you like those two things and the fact that you wear an adult diaper all points to the fact that you’re fuckin’ crazy. Induction by Sign, as doctor would say.
You are fuckin’ crazy salad. But you are one FUNNY FUCKER! Stay golden, pony boy!
January 14th, 2009 at 4:06 am
a smudge of excrement on a piece of toilet paper sifting out to sea…paraphrase of a bukowskism.
being a jersey mench myself, I read the shit and I think to myself: the guy has walked the walk – in life! big time! – but does he talk the talk? My point is: he lived a life of an extreme bohemian. shit, saying bukowski lived a bohemian lifestyle is like saying the pope is only a priest. no, this guy was balls to the walls on celebrating poverty as if it was debauchery. he relished in alcoholic, deranged, and depressed poverty. writing about the visceral antics of one’s life style is just not interesting to me – if its about relishing the low part of the totem pole. yeah: he’s got a great potty mouth, but to a jerseyite like myself, i’ve had a trench mouth since i’ve been in second grade.
But the statement I made above is did he talk the talk. usually its inverted. We say to ourselves the guy can talk the talk, but can he walk the walk? well, bukowski’s aim was to live an oxymoron – a lifestyle based upon debaucherous poverty! he relished in it like the prodigal son. But could he talk the talk. In other words did he write well and did he really write anything that was relevant.
to be swine, and relish in it – may be a novelty of excitement to some. but to people who have seen poverty right outside their dorm rooms or getting off a bus in the ny port authority – there ain’t nothin’ glam about grit n’ shit.
alternative lifestyle people see bukowski as a motif to their lifestyle. i put it in the category of “stylized poverty” – kind of like the early nineties when the last recession hit and the grunge style hit. Well, no fucking dah! The Reagan 80′s were dead, and momma and daddy had no fuckin’ money so there kids were relegated to find a new style that didn’t cost much; thus walks in the eddie veders and kurt cobain in the asses of the world. plus it was cool to smell and not wash your hair. ok, i get it. stylized poverty. fun. wow.
may i be so bold: bukowski was a dime a dozen schlock writer who had mental problems. his art – if you could call it that may have induced or illicited response, but banging my hand on a table, loudly, inside a quiet restuarant with 100 people will do the same thing. the point is, did he produce some good shit that was inspirational and truly thought provoking? – not just titillating depressive neg-head downer shit.
Is “H. L.” Mencken turning in his grave over the bukowski’s of the world? Hmm? well?
sorry charlie. i know you love your bukowski, but…i never got it. relishing in depression to the point of pure celebration – eh.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Ha. Remember that episode in Seinfeld when George bumped into Susan and she turned into a fem lez? He was that fucked up as a dude that he just turned her off so badly to men that she turned to the nappy dugout for satisfaction.
But 3? Shit: it sounds like GINA world.
Remember in the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin”? There was a scene in which Andy – the virgin – joins his friends for a Date A Palooza (1 minute girl meet) and he ends up conversing with a dike that wants to get with men again… YOU CAN TOTALLY BE THAT GUY.
We’ll tuck your sack back, put some rouge on ya, and then we’ll put-cha in a room full of sexually “confused” SF woman for 90 minutes. Now, I paid to see the results of that little experiment!
Or maybe its the other way around: maybe you turn dykes into heteros. Now that’s a dude who owns this planet – we’d be your guests.
However, I kind of think its the first scenario. They like your fine features and feel good when ya got some rouge and ya got yer sack tucked back. You’re like a fem-male doll. Your penis is seen as a dildo that they ride. Sorry bub: you’re just an inanimate object to them. Kind of like one of those life like human dolls that women fuck.
Georgie Baby. We can make this a full time gig for ya! Who needs comedy when you can put an add in the local SF alternative lifestyles mag. You’d make tons of dough as a transitional object that helps get “confused” women back with men.
Recession. See! Plenty of jobs out there for an enterprising young man, such as yourself.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
OK!
Now you’re in my league! You’ve finally grown a pair and put some blatant-ass balls out there. You said who you are to the world, without any resistance. Now you can rip, drip, and feel no regrets when you get on stage as a full fledged comic.
You forgot to tell the world that you tried to fuck a cat – as a teen; I think that’s an important detail you forgot. Other than that, you’ve covered it.
Oh, and you forgot to tell the audience what type of pornographic material you like to spank it to. Does your wife mind when she finds all the cookies of the porn sites you’ve visited – or do you secretly erase any cookies and all history of where you’ve surfed before you went to bed.
Did you masterbate to the mayor’s wife that night that you found her laughing at her husband when you accidently bumped into him with you motorcycle shoulder pads? – I would’ve. It would’ve made me feel like the big man on campus.
Keep rockin’ pony boy.