Get the latest on my writing, comedy, performance art, and other craziness!

  
Two Performance Artists book by Scotch Wichmann
Two Performance Artists Kidnap Their Boss And Do Things With Him
Inspired by my crazy adventures as a performer on the road, this is the story of two performance artists who cook up the ultimate performance: to kidnap their billionaire boss...and turn him into the wildest performance artist the world's ever seen.

scotch wichmann sticker
Blog Biography Performance Art Audio/Video Stage, Radio, & TV Writing Press Kit, Bio, & Photos Calendar Contact
< Back to Blog
 
The Best of My Worst iPad Jokes

Did you see the pic of Jobs with the iPad between his legs?

Frat boys are already planning iPaddy raids.

Somebody should make a carrying case called The Douchebag.

First-time iPad users were overheard saying, “Dammit, why can’t I reboot this bloody computer?”

6 Responses to “The Best of My Worst iPad Jokes”

  1. Free Association Says:

    Wow:

    How did we go from the I-Pad to Salinger to Nathanial Hawthorne’s short story Young Goodman Brown?

    I don’t think one can argue that Fraud understood the value of Free Association. It’s like a collective randomness of noise when you get on a blog site. Everyone reads a strand and creates a journey of opinion from it. No one ever really seems to stick to topic or read the relevance of an argument. Too many people with too many proprietary mind mechanisms that read something and create their own relevant opinion outside topic.

    Truly: this phenomenon of open forum of exchange (typical blog with a discussion prompt) with total chaotic exchange never seems to yield anything substantial. Or, if it does, it never seems to be picked up but rather trampled on with all the other noise called rapid opinions. Wow. Fraud’s theory of Free Association lives on; no, it is rather trapped in another dimension called the blog.

    Chatter, chatter, chatter. How to distinguish the signal from the noise?

    Just people with opinions who just haven’t read a book with no foresight on staying on topic, or something that can truly get ideas and real conversation going. Well, it seems that the former is leading right now. Well, what do you expect if a presidential debate consists of 2.5 minutes of response time. Fast, fast fast.

    Woody Allen makes fun of “Demographics” in the movie Hollywood Ending. A movie producer asks Allen’s character who is going to be the movie’s director where he thinks the movie’s demographic lays. Allen’s character responds: “You mean how the country got so stupid suddenly…my theory is fast food.”

    Woody had a point: so much shit is just thrown at us, or rather we want to go so fast to go no where fast. Why can’t we sit down and think for a few moments; why does there have to be a demographic? Do you want to make a movie that hits on the intelligence of ants or do you want it to appeal to everyone – old and young and have it fit with anyone? Hey, if a fucking 3 year old and a 33 year old and 66 year old can all watch Bugs Bunny and each generation get their own pleasure and meaning – why shouldn’t a movie or a book do it for that matter? Demographics means lets appeal to stupid people in this movie; lets appeal to hapless romantics in this movie; let’s appeal to the psuedo intellectual in this movie…on and on. Stupid. Why not just make a good movie.

    As for blogs. Why can’t people stick to topic and say something intelligent. Well, Woodie would probably say something about the topic of this blog to the effect of: “Actually the topic of the blog was so ridiculous that we were lucky that someone dropped in to change the subject.”

  2. Innocence Lost Says:

    Way ahead of his time. He saw the road of humanity turning to sleaze. Salinger saw major sleaze in his time and just imagined what that sleaze would compound to in 20, 30 and 50 years while he wrote his novel, novellas and short stories. And the guy was right: look at the porn that just is thrown at us; look at the unabated greed; look at the fact that no one acts on one’s clear conscience but how one may fit the mold in order not to get punished. Yeah, I think Salinger would say the ultimate obscenity is not a skinny 18 year old unsubstantiated adult taking jizz on her face and then swapping the jizz with a kiss with another skinny 18 year old girl; no, he’d say the real obscenity is the fact that her school, parents, her government, her elected senators, business leaders and et al never really voted or spoke the words within their own conscience. all just went with the flow which yielded a slow, continual and long arc that created such circumstances that led to a new born adult treating her self like garbage. And what did we all do? We just jerked off to it or turned away as if it never happened.

    Yes, we all left to take up our business like Young Goodman Browns and came back to see our beloved Faiths corrupted; thus, we sleep in the bed we made with her from our acquiescence of our neighbors and our own inability to call out wrong until it is our time of eternal sleep. Now look at us. Unfortunately, Salinger saw this all too well. And much like Hawthorne’s Young Goodman Brown, he knew he too had to live with the hellish stench accreted by society plus time.

  3. Holden Says:

    Yeah,

    but you have to admit that even Caulfield would have a snigger of us poking fun at how we’re so entrenched with gadgets, money, fame, and giving so much fucking fame to CEOs as if they were fucking rock stars. No, I think Holden would snigger at the imagery of Bill Gates pulling out the Queen of England’s tampon with his teeth and swallowing down some of her menses in the process. Yeah, I think he could get a good laugh about making fun of today’s arrogant CEO douche bags who’ve gotten so involved in there own egos – including Steve Jobs. I think Caulfied would say the difference between Steve Jobs and Bill Gates is like being forced to choose between an F plus and an F double minus. Holden wouldn’t miss the fact that Jobs works harder to make a better product but he would fault the son of a bitch for being a fascist boss to his employees that he becomes blind to the human condition within his own company. And yeah, I think he would fault Gates a bit more for being a phony greedy fuck that is all about money and his own ego and could give a shit about producing a product that’s good or bad but one that will give him money.

    Yeah, I think Holden would definitely think that the humanity of both those fuckers (Gates and Jobs) would be rated sub par to say the least – even if one hawked a better product over another.

    He’d give ‘em an A plus, plus on being great hypocrites and phonies, though!

    Cheers JD – rest in peace, baby! Rest in peace. Truth.

  4. Caulfield Says:

    Hey Douche bags:

    A moment of silence for a true American Artist who’s made some high quality shit of his own.

    JD Salinger passed away. A moment of silence, please.

  5. Bloody Mary Says:

    I think this new Jobs toy is under rated. Wait a generation or two – and you’ll see this bloody tampon fly and hit Gates’ Pedophile Style Aviator glasses so hard that he wished he never had to eat the English Queen’s tampon in order to get knighted.

    It’s not I-tunes; it’s not the I-phone but I think it has the chance to leap even beyond. If he (Jobs) can make the apps library as navigable and intuitive as I-tunes and the apps relevant and free to grab without having to have service (much like Kindle’s free wireless access to download it’s books) then cool. I can stomach having to have service if I want to navigate the web; I can’t stomach buying service if I want to use the I-Pad for a stand alone without having web service from AT&T in order to grab an App, especially if I have to pay for the fucking App. Therefore, Jobs, give people access to download your apps from the pad without having to use pay for web service – like Kindle’s methodology and you’ll have me. Plus, make an App for your ebook in which luminescence from the pad can be dimmed to create a Kindle type of virtual page (so my eyes won’t get tired). Do these small things and I’ll buy your cunt-pad and smack Gates’ pedophile style aviator glasses with it.

    A pie in the face of Gates – too easy. A smelly red n’ rancid tampon called the I-Pad that will bust those 80′s style pedophile glasses of Gates – Priceless.

    Bottom Lining it: Hey, make fun of Jobs for being half jewish or having a liver transplant, but Don’t make fun of the guy for perpetually making reasonably priced high quality products. I mean, Bill “Trey” Gates never even tried to make a quality product or to smooth out glitchy code before his shit went to market in his whole fucking life. Jobs at least wants the public to have something good, solid, usable, relevant, cutting edge, state of the art, and cool on the first gen model. Can you say that about many other computer or gadget manufacturer out there? No.

    I’ll take a bloody state of the art pad that gives the consumer a good fucking ride over a “Vista” that’s been in a fog since day 1.

    I’ll take the skinny half jewish guy with a gimp kidney over an over fed pasty faced cheese ball with grimace hips and male bitch titties any day – and i’m not even gay.

  6. Larry the Funny Guy Says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. you should be writing for conan

Leave a Reply

Note: Comments may be moderated; some may not appear right away.

 
To help me stop spam, please answer this question to prove you're a human.
 
Which comes first: B or A?