I’ve been a freak my whole life for the paranormal—so much that for years I seriously considered a poverty-inducing career as a fearless parapsychology researcher.
I wouldn’t have made it very far, though, because I find it hard to remain skeptical in the face of uncanny personal experiences that can’t be easily explained away, especially when some, like my encounters with E.S.P. and ghosts, have been witnessed by other people right beside me.
Example: During a 2-week period my freshman year in college, my roommate David and I both witnessed a ghost many times throughout our dorm hall. The first time it appeared in our dorm room, I was sitting on my bed reading a book and David was sitting on his bed. Suddenly the air grew cold. I felt what seemed like static electricity all over my body. The hair on my arms stood up. I looked up at the door to our room and saw a large shadow-figure man about 8 feet tall with no features except for two glowing yellow eyes. I turned my head and looked at David and saw him FREAKING OUT and looking in the same direction. I said, “Oh my god, did you just see that?” And he responded: “THE EYES!” Then I looked down at my book. Against the white of the page I was reading I could see two white-yellow spots that had been burned onto my retina like a photo flash—except these were the same space apart as the figure’s glowing eyes. I looked at the floor, the ceiling, and the spots were still there; in other words, I’d had a physiological response to whatever David and I had just seen.
The above story isn’t bullshit; I didn’t make the apparition up. If I knew where David lives now I’d ask him to officially corroborate right here. Regardless, such experiences make me a sucky researcher; how could I possibly be objective?
With my full disclosure out of the way, of all there is to study, research, and learn about the paranormal, psychokinesis—the power to move objects, also known as telekinesis—excites me the most, and I’m not alone; googling ‘telekinesis experiment’ pulls up 77,900 results, probably to the chagrin of the world’s premier skeptic and debunker on these matters, magician James Randi.
Here’s where it gets interesting. In case you didn’t know, for many years Randi has had a standing offer of $1,000,000, now held in escrow by Goldman Sachs, to any person “who can demonstrate any psychic, supernatural or paranormal ability under satisfactory observing conditions.” Unfortunately, nobody has satisifed the offer’s demands, though many have tried.
I just learned that Randi’s offer sadly expires March 6, 2010. With time running short, I’ve decided to take up his challenge. That’s right: each day, for a few minutes at a time, I will attempt to move (or bend, which is called deforming, a subset of psychokinetic power) a small object. Since nobody apparently knows how to move junk with the mind (or else they would’ve already won Randi’s cash), I’m obviously going to have to try different mental tricks—a different key each day until I find the one that fits the lock. Should I push? Should I pull? Should I stare at the ceiling? Should I relax? I have no idea. But I’m going to try everything I can think of, and log my experiments here on this blog for your amusement. I may even create a special page or section just for results—I dunno, I’m too excited to say for sure. And I’m not kidding. I want that million bucks.
So it begins. I’m sitting at work right now with a plastic spoon, feet flat on the floor, wearing jeans, black Jackass-branded hi-tops, and a blue t-shirt. I’m slightly constipated and have to pee. My hair is normal. Eyes: normal. I’m not kidding here. I’m really going to do this!
Ok, first experiments—I’m going to try to move that spoon an inch.
Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, pushing with eye rays, thinking nothing.
Result: nothing so far
Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, eyes relaxed, thinking ‘move’.
Result: nothing so far
Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, eyes relaxed, picturing spoon twisting clockwise.
Result: nothing so far
UPDATE! — I’ve started a daily log for this experiment here—be sure to bookmark it, or use this permalink: http://www.scotchwichmann.com/psychokinetic-experiment/
November 28th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
donde esta mi First Vajayjay post?
November 28th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Your comment is a waiting moderation.
Stop the word sieve filter. Fuck, what is this – The Eisenhower Era! Get some fucking nuts on your Peter, and let the shit flow.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
And yeah,
one of your other post sites had a blogger who said you looked like a by-product of keith richards. yeah, can totally see that.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I like the word vajayjay. a nice new benign word for vagina!
VaJayJay.
Let me put my pedro in your vajayjay and let’s do it all night long.
I used to like calling it Sanda and my penis Peter. Like: let me put my peter in your sandra. The shit you make up when you’re in fuckin’ college, without a care in the world.
Fuck, this site is like some sophisticated sophomoric machine that gets that old college vibe back. The unhygenic sex crazed, young adult, alcoholic hazed days of my youth: pictures of penthouse woman spreading there vajayjayz in the hall way of my college dorm with booger, spit, piss and God Damn whatever else stuck to those painted cinder block walls. The cleanest room in the my dorm was the fucking bathroom back in those days. It was the only thing the university would have cleaned by their custodial staff.
Fuck: Scotch Wichmann the perpetual billy idol, cocaine rushed, college sophomore. not sure if you do coke, but hey – it might fit your image you sick bitch.
November 27th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Time to get a new fucking post up funny man! Love the site, but new blood (eg – content) wouldn’t fuckin’ hurt!
Love that Jewish Boy Seth and his asian girlfriend. I can totally see that happening, too. Girl goes into the bathroom to douche up or down, for sex play but leaves the post up by mistake so the boyfriend sees it. Then, the boyfriend totally puts his two cents in on top of her comment.
I can see it now: little china girl douching her little vajay-jay, thinking all is innocent with her and her boyfriend, but little does she know the jewish boyfriend has a penchant for spying on her email, blogs, whatever.
Total Jewish Paranoia. But, I can dig it myself. I’m an SF Heb. love your shows, but can totally empathize with my jewish brutha from another mother back on the e. coast.
Poor Seth, keep up the plight. I know what you’re going through. every 20 s/m jew boy has gone through what you’re going through at some point in his life. Just be you. Just like this blond headed, billy idol wanna be, and goyem to boot is doing – being himself.
Fuck the guilt and keep fuckin’ all the flavors out there in the world, Seth. Cuz, one day you will be your father, and invariably marry that “hip laden jewish gal” with her father’s dowry.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Keep bending. Better yet, bend your own penis with your hand, Masturbation Man! This comment is totally immature; but hey, you get who you market to. If you put me in a sophomoric environment you’ll get a sophomoric response from me.
When in France, Chochie, don’t make fun of some Beatch’s poodle. Crepe taste good?
Aui Voi? spelling?
October 18th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Ha, my little slit eye and vajayjay gal is making fun of me.
I’m Jewish and if she thinks my penis is big, mozzle, baby! If she only had a better and bigger reference point she wouldn’t complain so much about me.
It’s funny, as I trade off a riff in with my now half naked asian goy asian princess in my small nyc apartment, I can’t help but think that James Randi has an expression that both my Father, Rabbi, and my shrink have when they here me bitch and moan about my so called unfair “neurotic” life.
It’s the kind of look that’s says several things at once, like:
“schmuck, what do you read.”
“don’t be a schmuck, Seth.”
“Seth, everything you’ve just said sounds like you’re full of shit.”
“Seth, can you stop talking now so I can think.”
“Seth, your argument has no merit and is boring.”
“Seth, you’re 28, when are you going to get a real job and a Jewish girlfriend?”
Well you get the picture. I’m a wondering jew, who hasn’t settled down with the right jewish girl, yet. And, until I do, I will get that ‘exasperated I’m waiting look’ that Mr. Randi’s face seems to emit within his facial expression that my parents, rabbi, and uncles give me and have given me all my life.
Thank you Scotch Wichmann. That face will haunt me now until my father, mother, and uncle see that I quit my job as bike messenger and drop this little asian princess of mine for an accountant clerkship at my dad’s business and marry a round hipped jewish girl.
Ah, that look of exasperated disapproval. I don’t think I’ll enjoy the sex that my asain, goy, lass is promising me now. Pictures can really haunt, especially the Jewish neurotic man.
Ah, Shit.
October 18th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Funny. You round eye men can be twisted and sick, but hilarious at the same time. Keep rockin’! Now if Asian men can get the stick out of their asses and do some twisted shit, I’d go out with them, and then my mother can stop bitching about me going out too much with white men.
In other words if my kind did what your kind does, i’d date my kind and my pussy wouldn’t be so sore with round eye’s big cox.
I’m sorry: my goddamn first generation mother uses this “round eye” term so much she’s got me using it.
Keep rockin’ you white round eye men. If only you knew how to save money, be somewhat literate in math, have an engineering degree, and a smaller penis – you’d be a good fit for my mother’s approval and for my tight little asian va-jay-jay.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
This is Frustrated:
Since that’s the case, no sweat. Didn’t know; a thousand apologies.
Bend Willy Clinton’s Penis back straight through psychokinesis.
Monica Lewinsky said it (Sir Clinton’s Penis) kinda bent to the left just like when he points his finger at the media when he’s angry.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:40 am
i feel your pain, Frustrated. the problem is that automated bots have found my blog and try to post 20-40 ads per day. respecting your suggestion, though, we’ll try an experiment. i’ve enabled a captcha/human test on the comments form now, and disabled moderation. we’ll see if that stays one step ahead of the botz.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Ditto on that.
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Your site rocks, but when a commenter posts he/she may expect a tad bit of instant gratification when the comment he/she put time into evaporates into thin air.
Yes, I see the caveat of “they may not appear right away”
Just a thought: on relatively benign topics, let the free market reign and let the comments stick; and if you don’t ‘likey’ then take off the comment.
On more heated topics, feel free to wait n’ post; but on the cool fun stuff I recommend the information to flow.
Just a suggestion from an Average Joe who thinks your site rocks but is a bit frustrated on not being able to see his writing right away – especially on fun and groovy topics.
You’re a free wielding dude that shoots from the hit; I’d like to see form follow function: meaning, let the commenter and site readers alike see the comments in real time. In my opinion that is what a blog site does. Don’t let your creativity be stifled by a new policy due to some negative shit that happened six weeks ago. If those nut jobs are still out there, then don’t go near those harsh subjects.
And if you like going near those tough subjects then put the moderate and wait policy back in during those posts to sieve out the nut jobs.
But in the name of fun and freedom of which this blog site represents let the freedom and the comments flow as they come.
Your pal,
Frustrated
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:02 pm
stretch your tongue far enough to lick your nipple first; then try to bend the spoon. isn’t the mesh wire of the mic a bit harsh on the nipple? that picture of you and the mic reminds me of the character “Ralphy Sipporillo” of the Sopranos.
You know, Ralphy, the guy who’s wig came off after the character, Christopher Multosanti, detached Ralphy’s Head from his shoulders. had to Remember when Tony coxcombed his girlfriend.
Tony’s rationalization for cheating on his Ralphy with Ralphy’s girl was that Ralphy’s girls told Tony the story that Ralphy liked to have a cheese grader rubbed against his “johnson”, instead of having straight out sex. Ouch. KID STUFF, I say! Heh.
Kinda like you and the nipple scratch and the mic, “ouch”.
Get the tongue to the nipple for sexual gratis and then go for the 80 yard touchdown pass of bending the spoon. In the NFL when a QB and a receiver connect on short 5 to 7 yard in-routes and quick slant passes, it’s called a confidence builder. You do this before you start throwing 35 yard pass routes to your receivers. You know, to get into the swing of things first, before going ‘long’ and ‘deep’.
Well, sort of think of extending your tongue “Gene Simmons” sytle down to your nipple as a confidence builder before you go for that 80 yard pass of bending the spoon kinetically.
Good Luck, Chochie! Hey, when you win that money can you buy me some a box of good cigars?
September 24th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
If you wind being able to move things, you’d better watch yourself–the CIA will probably kidnap you and reverse engineer your brain. And nobody would let you get within 10 feet of the President for obvious reasons. Good luck, though