Click to zoom in.

Last night I was competing in the Rooster T. Feathers comedy competition in Sunnyvale. Go if you can. The club is old school (reminded me of Hollywood’s Comedy Store) — warm, pro, and one of the friendliest I’ve seen.

While waiting for the show to start, I saw Larry “Bubbles” Brown walking around — hilarious, been on Letterman, etc. I overheard somebody say he was headlining.

Later, a friend asked me who was headlining, so I said, “Larry Bubbles Brown.”

“No, I am headlining,” said a man next to me. I looked at him, but didn’t recognize him. I later found out he was Dan St. Paul — Comedy Central, MTV, opened for Seinfeld, did a movie with Robin Williams….

But I didn’t know this. So of course, being an idiot, I said:

……..“And who are you?”

He belly laughed and grimaced painfully.

Because I am an idiot.

Let this be a lesson.

The Skywalkers are the trashiest family in the galaxy.

Available here.

typing as fast as i can — no time for the shift key —

1. my nickname in elementary school was witchie-poo.

2. i’ve run 3 marathons; during my 2nd on the streets of L.A., two native americans blew past me barefoot at the 13th mile, their long black hair blowing in the wind. they were beautiful.

3. my father is a physician at a state hospital for the criminally insane. 

4. i performed magic shows at kids’ birthday parties as a teenager and dreamt of being the next doug henning, complete with his ’70s rainbow outfit.

5. three of the women i dated now prefer women.

6. a shaman once told me that she saw a knife sticking out of my back where i was stabbed in a previous life.

7. i have a 2nd degree black belt in uechi-ryu okinawan karate (we have crane moves, just like mr. miyagi!) and i broke two of my ribs fighting in full-contact, bare-knuckle bouts.

8. i’m a conspiracy theory addict. when i’m president, my first trip will be to area 51.

9. part of my family is from vik, a settlement in southwestern norway where some viking clans originated, and i have a DNA marker indicating viking ancestry.

10. i’m addicted to coffee.

11. i have a fetish for found action figures that have been marred or damaged, are missing limbs, etc.

12. i was a computer hacker as a teen, and almost got busted by a federal agency. several hacker friends landed up in jail.

13. i’ve had two full conscious out-of-body experiences while awake and sober.

14. i’d love to live in a barn.

15. i got my start as a performance artist in L.A. in the early ’90s, and once almost electrocuted myself with butter and 2 AC electrodes.

16. my brother and i used to dress up like batman and robin, make gasoline bombs out of coke cans, and throw razor-sharp ninja stars in our fresno backyard. we also had the hots at daycare for identical blonde sisters we called “the butter twins.”

17. i took french lessons weekly as an adult for 4 years and my accent still sucks.

18. i’ve seen the movie ishtar more times than any other movie. and elaine may is a genius.

19. once while walking around in my motorcycle armor at san francisco’s union street fair, i accidentally bumped then-SF-mayor gavin newsom with my padded shoulder. he stumbled back 3 feet, and his wife jennifer siebel laughed.

20. i like listening to crunchy/cut-up electronica or anything audio that sounds homemade. give me aphex twin, blevin blectum, matmos….

21. i’ve seen every episode of the dukes of hazzard, the greatest american hero, and twin peaks.

22. if i had to watch the film or TV work of only one director for the rest of my days, i’d probably choose david lynch.

23. i’m a bibliophile. i have more books by bukowski than by any other author. next in line would be joyce and faulkner.

24. my granny hacked the heads off of chickens with a hatchet on her farm in nebraska.

25. i wasn’t a vegetarian. then i was. and now i’m not.

Made from one Sharpie Ultra Fine Point permanent marker in black, my left arm (fist still attached), one whoopsy I lost count of the tequila shotz, and three unforgettable minutes.

I’ve been a freak my whole life for the paranormal—so much that for years I seriously considered a poverty-inducing career as a fearless parapsychology researcher.

I wouldn’t have made it very far, though, because I find it hard to remain skeptical in the face of uncanny personal experiences that can’t be easily explained away, especially when some, like my encounters with E.S.P. and ghosts, have been witnessed by other people right beside me.

Example: During a 2-week period my freshman year in college, my roommate David and I both witnessed a ghost many times throughout our dorm hall. The first time it appeared in our dorm room, I was sitting on my bed reading a book and David was sitting on his bed. Suddenly the air grew cold. I felt what seemed like static electricity all over my body. The hair on my arms stood up. I looked up at the door to our room and saw a large shadow-figure man about 8 feet tall with no features except for two glowing yellow eyes. I turned my head and looked at David and saw him FREAKING OUT and looking in the same direction. I said, “Oh my god, did you just see that?” And he responded: “THE EYES!” Then I looked down at my book. Against the white of the page I was reading I could see two white-yellow spots that had been burned onto my retina like a photo flash—except these were the same space apart as the figure’s glowing eyes. I looked at the floor, the ceiling, and the spots were still there; in other words, I’d had a physiological response to whatever David and I had just seen.

The above story isn’t bullshit; I didn’t make the apparition up. If I knew where David lives now I’d ask him to officially corroborate right here. Regardless, such experiences make me a sucky researcher; how could I possibly be objective?

With my full disclosure out of the way, of all there is to study, research, and learn about the paranormal, psychokinesis—the power to move objects, also known as telekinesis—excites me the most, and I’m not alone; googling ‘telekinesis experiment’ pulls up 77,900 results, probably to the chagrin of the world’s premier skeptic and debunker on these matters, magician James Randi.

Here’s where it gets interesting. In case you didn’t know, for many years Randi has had a standing offer of $1,000,000, now held in escrow by Goldman Sachs, to any person “who can demonstrate any psychic, supernatural or paranormal ability under satisfactory observing conditions.” Unfortunately, nobody has satisifed the offer’s demands, though many have tried.

I just learned that Randi’s offer sadly expires March 6, 2010. With time running short, I’ve decided to take up his challenge. That’s right: each day, for a few minutes at a time, I will attempt to move (or bend, which is called deforming, a subset of psychokinetic power) a small object. Since nobody apparently knows how to move junk with the mind (or else they would’ve already won Randi’s cash), I’m obviously going to have to try different mental tricks—a different key each day until I find the one that fits the lock. Should I push? Should I pull? Should I stare at the ceiling? Should I relax? I have no idea. But I’m going to try everything I can think of, and log my experiments here on this blog for your amusement. I may even create a special page or section just for results—I dunno, I’m too excited to say for sure. And I’m not kidding. I want that million bucks.

So it begins. I’m sitting at work right now with a plastic spoon, feet flat on the floor, wearing jeans, black Jackass-branded hi-tops, and a blue t-shirt. I’m slightly constipated and have to pee. My hair is normal. Eyes: normal. I’m not kidding here. I’m really going to do this!

Ok, first experiments—I’m going to try to move that spoon an inch.

Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, pushing with eye rays, thinking nothing.
Result: nothing so far

Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, eyes relaxed, thinking ‘move’.
Result: nothing so far

Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, eyes relaxed, picturing spoon twisting clockwise.
Result: nothing so far

UPDATE! — I’ve started a daily log for this experiment here—be sure to bookmark it, or use this permalink: http://www.scotchwichmann.com/psychokinetic-experiment/